The Hurt Behind the Smile
Going into the second year of life without Julian may leave some people wondering less and less about how I am doing. Maybe you tell...
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About
Follow me on Instagram @thelittlestbrother803 for updates to my blog.
Mommy to four children; three on Earth and one in heaven. Wanting to raise awareness on pregnancy and infant loss and break the silence on such an indescribable pain. Opening up about my journey to help others who have, or may, tragically face a loss such as this. Also hoping it will shed light on how to help people like me, whose life has completely changed, but don’t want others to give up on them.
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"The hardest part about losing a child is living everyday afterwards.”
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What's Next...
So many times these two words have echoed over and over again in my mind since finding out about Julian’s pleural effusion at 19 weeks...
When a child loses a sibling, they gain a lifetime of lessons
What does it mean when a child loses a sibling? It’s a question that I am fortunate enough not able to experience. But that doesn’t mean...
Dear New Me
Dear New Me, I know you wish you hadn’t changed. Gone are the days where you would give anything not to have flashbacks and...
'Happy' Mother's Day
Tomorrow will be very different from the past six Mother’s Days I have so innocently spent with my boys. Tomorrow will not find me waking...
What quarantine has meant for me
Quarantine can mean a few different things. Isolation. Distancing. Confinement. Seclusion. Separation. When I really think of it, grief...
Dads Grieve Too
I found myself asking my husband what he thought I should write about next. If there was something about grief or baby loss that he felt...
Triggers
I am sure that it comes as no surprise that after losing a baby, just hearing the word alone can cause someone quite a bit of anxiety. I...
There’s no “at least” in grief
“At least you have your two other sons.” “At least he didn’t suffer for long.” “At least you have a strong marriage.” “At least you have...
Avoidance
I will never forget the first time I encountered a mother who had lost her child. She may very well be reading this entry. It was just a...
My Sanctuary
On the ride home from the hospital after losing Julian, one of the major thoughts that crossed my mind was how in the world could I ever...
But Where Is He, Mama?
I asked to be discharged right away. I didn’t want to stay in the hospital anymore. Immediately following Julian’s passing, I left. I...
The Box
Many moms, who I have encountered after losing their baby, have talked about, “the box.” How instead of leaving with your child, beaming...
Three Minutes
Once everyone left the room, it was just my husband and I with Julian. This was the first time we got to hold him. He was still attached...
Final Goodbyes
The shirt I had made for Julian as his “coming home” outfit said, “The Littlest Brother.” I remember thinking when we first found out it...
Julian's Army
The “one more” procedure didn’t end up working; which we knew. We didn’t know how much longer and we wanted people to be able to come up...
The Talk No One Wants To Have
The dreaded talk. The one that begins with, “There’s nothing more we can do." I remember actually pinching myself to make sure this was...
God Can Take It
My husband and I, running on literally empty, headed back to our room as they began another procedure and we were told they would call us...
Hanging By A Moment
There were a few good moments during those 36 hours, where we were told Julian was responding more. There was some hope in that. I...
Traffic
Ever see a movie where the person is just standing there, and they press fast forward on everything else around them? I don’t know but...
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